BarrieBergman

Flying Down to Rio

For the last several weeks my wife Arlene and I have been visiting in South America.  It was a fascinating trip and lots of fun.  We visited Rio de Janeiro, Buenos Aires, and took a cruise up the Brazilian coast, which included a stop in Uruguay.

Rio was my favorite, even though Buenos Aires is a beautiful city, the “Paris” of South America.  Rio has an energy and vitality that only comes when a country is doing well economically.  Brazil has a huge amount of land and wonderful natural resources.  They are now being successful at using their products, including enough oil to be self-sufficient.

The people in Rio were sensational.  They are happy, forthcoming, and most of all beautiful.  We stayed at Ipanema Beach, and the women and the men . . . you get the idea.

Over and over we were befriended by strangers, when we were lost.  Several people took us by the hand to show us how to get somewhere, rather than just pointing.  I’ve only encountered courtesy like this in one other place, and interesting that it was in Portugal, the people who settled in Brazil.

The only problem I had with the trip is the density of people in the cities.  Rio has 17 million; Sao Paulo has 25 million.  I have encountered the population bomb in Asia before, and it’s really frightening.

As a planet we have got to figure out how to limit the expansion of population, or we are sure to run out of everything we need to survive.  We need to start now.  No one wants any government to limit family size.  In China it got a lot of female babies killed, but we better do something and pretty damn quick.

The Name Game

I love celebrity baby names.  It’s not enough to be screwed up themselves, celebrities need to screw up their kids with wacko names.  I know what it’s like to have a name that no one ever spells right.  My father decided to spell Barrie with an “ie” and that was the last time anybody ever spelled it right.  This is the reason I’m so weird today.

Mariah Carey named her baby Monroe, which I suppose is after the Doctrine.  She’s such a history buff.  Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple, but that’s okay because she’s perfect.

Ethan Hawke called his Indiana because David Letterman is from there or maybe because the ugliest city we ever had a store in was Evansville.  Victoria and David Beckham have Harper, whose sexual orientation is unclear.

Viola Davis has Genesis, doubtless named for the band.  Alicia Silverstone has Bear Blu, which totally escapes me, and Mike Tyson has named his progeny Morocco, so he can be called “The Rockin’ Moroccan.”  Natalie Portman’s little dancer is Aleph, while Kevin James’s son is Kannon, what a little firecracker.

January Jones has Xander, a totally mad name.  Jewell calls her child Kase, which I believe is a travel bag.  Jessica Alba’s girl is Haven, which I suppose left out an “e,” but it could be a place to hide.

All this is just ammunition for my oft-held belief that people should be licensed to have children.  To use kids to encourage one’s own ego is so unfair.  I’m thinking of changing my name to Alvin.

Interesting Times

If I were running a company today, the company would be doing great and expanding like crazy.  In the interest rate environment we find ourselves in, it’s almost impossible to do poorly.  I would be borrowing as much as I could from any bank, that would lend it to the business, and expanding as fast as we could go.

I always pushed hard for growth, when the economy was at its worst.  Most people stopped growing and sat on the sidelines, but I felt the time to expand was when others backed off.  It was easier.  It takes cajones to do this, particularly because banks hate it.  But, if the organization is good enough, the style really works. 

Banks, which are run by people who can’t make it in real business, always believe in going with the trend, while I believe in going counter-trend.  Running counter-cycle is the best way to make money that I know, but it’s hard to swim upstream, when everyone thinks you’re crazy.

As the economy gets better and companies make more and more money, the Stock Market is going to go up.  My fearless prediction for this year is somewhere in the 10-15% range.  I also believe that Congress will begin to act more responsibly and start to limit spending.

I’m an eternal optimist, so don’t base any investment strategies on anything I say, but if you do and you make any money, I would love a piece of the action.  If you lose money, call Newt Gingrich.  He told you the world was coming to an end.

In Sickness and in Health

Yesterday, in a humbling experience, I had to call my insurance carrier to get an early refill on a medication I take.  We are taking a trip out of the country, and I’ll be away when the normal refill is ready.  The insurance company insisted I call personally, which is a torture I don’t normally have to endure.

It took two phone calls, four menus, and two humans to make the decision to let me do something that in the long run wouldn’t cost the insurance company a penny.  I repeated the same exact information three times, and at the end I wasn’t sure I still spelled my name with an “ie.”

It’s obvious that this procedure is created to get customers to give up and go away, which I almost did, and paid the money out of my own pocket.  Everyone was friendly, but non-committal.  I finally got my authorization, after about twenty minutes, and went on my way to wellness land.

I spent a large part of my business life trying to inspire organizations to give good customer service.  How can any company treat a consumer the way I was treated?  The health care industry is one of the worst offenders, but there are plenty of others.

Can’t businesses get their IT nerds to make these processes easier?  Why do we have to repeat the same information over and over?  Can’t a machine or a human input the info the first time you give it?  Doesn’t anybody give a crap?  I once intended to write a book titled, “Nobody Listens, Nobody Follows Through.”  I decided not to write it, because it was so dark.  I’m currently sharpening my pencils, getting ready to write.

Arts and Crafts

I’m on several boards of art organizations.  Up until a few years ago these organizations were funded by either a university or by the local government.  In our present economic environment, the arts in our country have gotten short shrift.  We’ve cut school budgets, community playhouse budgets, dance funding, music funds, and painting classes.

What place does art have in a successful society?  Why should we care about local drama classes?  Art is a mirror of our society.  It’s a way of looking at ourselves in a skewed prismatic mirror.  Art points out our foibles and our strengths in a different way.  Strong societies nurture art.  I hope we get the message before we lose some of our most valuable resources.
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The short term Kardashian wedding seems to have started a trend.  Celebrities are throwing away marriages as fast as they can start them.  I, for one, am terribly worried.  Just last week Heidi Klum and Seal, a marriage for the ages, split up.  Now my favorite fat person, Aretha Franklin, announced her wedding is off, stillborn before she could even enjoy marital bliss.  I think we need a congressional commission to look into this growing problem.

Musings

I kinda like Mitt Romney.  He’s handsome, prolific (lots of kids), and he’s a good businessman.  He jumps around on issues, but then don’t most politicians.

I’m probably not his target demographic, since I’m a Democrat, and I’m not going to vote for him.  But among the respective Republican candidates, he’s an easy choice.  Thus, I’m sick of Romney getting pilloried for being a good business person.

If more people in government had a clue about how to make money (i.e. buy low, sell high) we might be able to finance our debt without running a series of fund raisers.  Perhaps, if we could get some of the same greedy bastards that run Wall Street to run the government, we would do better – Oh wait – we tried that under Bush, and look how it turned out.
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A fan at a hockey game was recently fined $200 for throwing a banana at a black player.  Police said there wasn’t enough evidence to charge him with a hate crime.  What do you think it was, a dislike crime?  Later in the game another fan threw a bagel at a Jewish player, but he wasn’t charged because there was no cream cheese or lox.  Yeah . . . I’m just kidding about the bagel.

It’s OK for hockey players to beat the crap out of each other, just don’t throw stuff on the ice, except in Detroit, where they throw octopi for some unfathomable reason.

High Times on Stage and Off

Continuing last week’s theme of Arlene and Barrie go to rock and roll shows . . .

We once went to a show with James Brown, where he peeled off 2 one hundred dollar bills from a huge wad of money.  He handed the cash to the guy at the door and said, “Let my friends in.”  I was backstage one night talking to Sam Cooke, and I happened to mention that my girlfriend was in the audience.    Sam said that he wanted to meet her.  So he and I went into the small balcony, where he could meet Arlene.  He sat with us and talked for a long time.  To an awestruck kid, it doesn’t get any better than these experiences.

Artists say the damnedest things on stage.  Wayne Newton says, “You’re the greatest audience I’ve ever had,” every night.  Do not ask how I know this or whether I ever saw Wayne Newton live.  Once you get by the usual clichés of, “Hey Altoona, are you having fun?” or “We’re gonna party all night long,” some artists reveal themselves by what they say. Tony Bennett, admittedly long in the tooth, said, “What a night” about ten times.  Linda Ronstadt complained about how cold it was in two different concerts over a ten-year period.  Get a sweater, bitch!  Miles Davis played with his back to the crowd and never said a word.

Katy Perry, playing at home in Santa Barbara, was excited and made the evening very personal with wonderful local memories.  James Taylor sang, In My Mind I’m going to Carolina in California, and transported me home to NC without a plane.  Mary Wells, having throat trouble that eventually derailed her career, came on stage and just waved, showing she was at the concert.

The list of remarkable things go on and on, but my favorite was a middle level country singer performing in Dorton Arena, a converted agricultural building at the NC State Fair, who said in perfect sincerity as he ended his act, “Raleigh, I’ll never forget you.”

Now on Our Stage

Over the years I’ve seen some of the greatest entertainers.  My father started to take me to see great talent, when I was a little kid. Arlene, my wife, and I continued the practice.

My father took me to see such varied performers as Nat King Cole, Marilyn Monroe, and Gene Autry.  We saw Bob Hope, Perry Como, and Spike Jones.  We also saw Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, and a host of other people.

Arlene and I have seen everyone from Bruce Springsteen, Elvis, The Rolling Stones, James Brown, and Tina Turner, when she was still with Ike.    Throw in Ray Charles, Led Zepplin, Sam Cooke, and literally thousands of others, and I’ve had a good look at the entertainers of the last part of the 20th century.  Looking back on all these shows, I’ve seen and heard some amazing things on stage. 

I even got to be on stage a few times.  Alabama once gave me an award in front of 16,000 people, and our family got to sit on stage during an Eagles concert.  The energy that comes toward the stage from that many people is a pretty heady experience) and is responsible for some incredible stuff that I’ve heard performers say and do.

I saw Elton John get hit by something someone in the audience threw at him.  He went down like a brick, out cold.  He came back later and finished the concert with a big bandage on his head.  One night I was in the first row for a Zepplin concert, and I didn’t stand up, when Robert Plant told the audience to stand.  He started yelling obscenities at me.  I saw Charlie Rich, the country singer, get so drunk on stage that he fell off of his piano stool.  I watched Warren Zevon swig an entire fifth of vodka out of the bottle, while on stage.  When we took a picture after his set, I had to hold him up, because he couldn’t stand.

I met Jimmy Reed, the great blues singer, laid out on a table, because he was so drunk he was too drunk to stand.  Arlene and I walked in on Jackie Wilson, when he was naked, which was thrilling for all of us.  I’ve got a bunch more.
To be continued next week . . .

My New Year’s Resolutions

 1.    Spend less time with serial killers on television and in books
 2.    Lose weight
 3.    See my children and grandchildren more
 4.    Don’t let the stock market upset me
 5.    Don’t let politics upset me
 6.    Lose weight
 7.    Travel less and enjoy the wonderful place I live
 8.    Go to more movies and watch less television
 9.    Eat and drink less
10.    Don’t get crazy, when Carolina loses a basketball game
11.    Lose weight
12.    Don’t get angry, when some deluded person misses a line call and calls one of my ace services “out”
13.    Go to the beach more
14.    Be charitable to people rather than institutions
15.    Stay in touch with my friends
16.    Lose weight
17.    Walk more stairs
18.    Spend more time with my lovely wife.

Happy New Year!

Best and Worst of 2011

Worst:
    1.    Team:  Indianapolis Colts without Peyton Manning.
    2.    Movie:  W.E.  I haven’t seen it, but Madonna directed it, and that’s enough for
             me.
    3.    TV Show:  Charlie Sheen’s reality show.  Yeah, I know it wasn’t a show, but it
             was close enough.
    4.    Politician:  Tie - all Republican Presidential Candidates.  Who will be the
             tallest dwarf?
    5.    Government:  Tie - All members of the European Union.   Amazing . . . the
             U.S. government didn’t even make the top ten!
    6.    Institution:  American college athletics.  What a mess – cheating, sex
             scandals, and out of control greed.
    7.    Family:  The Murdocks.  Rupert must be very proud of such a scurrilous
              group.

Best:
    1.    Firing:  Hank Williams, Jr. from Monday Night Football.  Hank, put a sock
             in it.  Also, write a song, and don’t mention your father.
    2.    Divorce:  Kardashians.  Honorable Mention – The Bryants & The Demis. 
             That’s Demi Moore, you fools.
    3.    Sports Teams:  UNC Basketball – soon to be National Champs, again.
    4.    Broadway Show:  Book of Mormon.  It’s hysterical.  Don’t miss it.
    5.    Place to Live:  Santa Barbara.  Don’t move here.  You’ll hate it.
    6.    Airline:  None.  Good airlines don’t exist.
    7.    Wine:  OPW – other people’s wine

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and Merry New Year!