The Name Game

I love celebrity baby names.  It’s not enough to be screwed up themselves, celebrities need to screw up their kids with wacko names.  I know what it’s like to have a name that no one ever spells right.  My father decided to spell Barrie with an “ie” and that was the last time anybody ever spelled it right.  This is the reason I’m so weird today.

Mariah Carey named her baby Monroe, which I suppose is after the Doctrine.  She’s such a history buff.  Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple, but that’s okay because she’s perfect.

Ethan Hawke called his Indiana because David Letterman is from there or maybe because the ugliest city we ever had a store in was Evansville.  Victoria and David Beckham have Harper, whose sexual orientation is unclear.

Viola Davis has Genesis, doubtless named for the band.  Alicia Silverstone has Bear Blu, which totally escapes me, and Mike Tyson has named his progeny Morocco, so he can be called “The Rockin’ Moroccan.”  Natalie Portman’s little dancer is Aleph, while Kevin James’s son is Kannon, what a little firecracker.

January Jones has Xander, a totally mad name.  Jewell calls her child Kase, which I believe is a travel bag.  Jessica Alba’s girl is Haven, which I suppose left out an “e,” but it could be a place to hide.

All this is just ammunition for my oft-held belief that people should be licensed to have children.  To use kids to encourage one’s own ego is so unfair.  I’m thinking of changing my name to Alvin.